The Best and Worst of FICS

OU HAVE ENTERED not merely the Twilight Zone, but the modern-day Night Gallery that is the Free Internet Chess Server.

What you will find below are two categories of material: (1) quotes (mostly on politics) in the shouts and other public channels, and (2) logged snippets of conversation, complete with background chatter for context.

jkoss:

• "I am of course just arguing to argue[.]" — channel 50, Dec. 14, 2002, ca. 8:20 a.m. PST. (A once-in-a-lifetime, candid admission of jkoss' driving motivation.)

pedereng:

• "Whoever does not support George Bush is a terrorist[.]" — channel 50, July 16, 2003, 8:05 a.m. PDT. (I will give pedereng the benefit of the doubt, and hope he meant to be at least partly facetious.)

SamIam:

• "I don't care. We are going to kill as many Arabs as possible to make a better world. Pax Americana." — channel 50, date and time not recorded. (To SamIam, alas, such a doubt simply does not apply.)



• "All I know for sure is that, if you don't support George W. Bush, you support terrorism." — channel 50, July 16, 2003, 7:45 a.m. PDT. (As above, so here.)

Sqreater:

• "--> Sqreater makes no sense" — shouted, March 27, 2005, circa 6:20 a.m. PST. (For the want of a capital letter and a colon, the sense was lost. For want of the sense, Sqreater ....)

Tuneman:

• "[T]he moral problem with execution is it makes stupid people believe that war is ok[.]" — channel 39, August 1, 2004, ca. 10:15 a.m. PDT. (Succinct, honest and unsparing — although not literally true in that this is really only one of many moral problems with execution.)

VMSguy:

• "wart, I am probably the smartes [sic] person you have ever interaccted [sic] with, sorry I pissed you off[.]" — channel 39, Sept. 20, 2003, ca. 6:20 a.m. PDT. (Actually, what can I add to this?)
  
  
• "[O]ne man's terrorist in [sic] another man's freedom fighter[.]" — channel 39, Sept. 27, 2003, ca. 8:35 a.m. PDT. (Really a surprisingly perceptive admission. Too bad he immediately spoiled it with the far more characteristic remark below.)



• "[S]ure, palestinians are terrorists[.]" — channel 39, Sept. 27, 2003, ca. 8:37 a.m. PDT. (So, that would make them what, freedom fighters? Well, not to listen to VMSguy's loquacious answer when faced with that very question: "[N]o[.]" — channel 39, Sept. 27, 2003, ca. 8:38 a.m. PDT.)



• "I advocated the invasion of Canada becuse of its support for global terrorism, what is irrational about that?" — March 27, 2005, circa 7:45 a.m. PST. (And you thought there was something irrational about invading Canada?)

Xman:

• "Hitler was the World's greatest motivator[.]" — channel 39, Sept. 12, 2003, ca. 4:40 p.m. PDT. (This was messaged to me, so I must admit in fairness that I do not know the original context. Then again, certain comments are beyond the pale in any context.)

pedereng - WarthogsUNLTD,
channel 50, July 1, 2004, ca. 9:40 a.m. PDT:

KentAndersson(50): DON*T PLAY PLEXPLEX He only plays WHITE and gives NO REMATCHES

Ismirdochegal(24): partner

Ashy shouts: Ashy greets all the teammates!

--> MAd> (ics-auto-salutes 'NegativeNirvana)

pedereng(50): no personal attacks in ch tells pls

WarthogsUNLTD(50): Kent. We got that the first time. There's no need to repeat it.

--> Eeyore hands talpa a balloon.

pedereng(50): i guess my request would be more convincing if i hadnt shouted the other night that algra was a flaming homo

WarthogsUNLTD(50): agrees.

botchvinik(1): russianbear, how did your arguement with carenp end up?

StonemanFRR shouts: a guy went to a store and bought ear wax as my friend would say ha ha ha!

pedereng(50): although calling someone gay isnt necessarily an attack

RussianBear(1): all of the sanctions were removed by head admin

WarthogsUNLTD(50): Yes. But I think "flaming homo" is an attack by virtually anyone's standards.

botchvinik(1): did you enjoy it?

pedereng(50): too bad he wasnt here he would have laughed

Pulmannen(1): RB, who sanctioned you?

RussianBear(1): removal of the sanctions? very much so

--> botchvinik Cubs...WOO!

Pulmannen(1): RB, who sanctioned you?

botchvinik(1): good for you

--> MAd> (ics-auto-salutes 'logis)

EnPassant(2): why were you sanctioned RB?

--> hasj logis, chessface

--> Chessface hasj

WarthogsUNLTD(50): No. He would have made some miserable double entendre to suggest that in fact *you* are the flaming homo. And half the server would have agreed.

--> logis(SR) hasj!

--> RFFISCHER(TM) greets *>>>>> logis <<<<<*

--> logis(SR) Baylan! Chessface! RFFISCHER! skore! Superjhemp!

VMSguy(50): queer nation has said the word queer is okay now, maybe there is a flaming homo nation that feels it is acceptable to use that term, I don't know

RussianBear(2): i asked carenp if "oldpstat god devil" was some fundamentalist admin abusing the server

logis(SR) pedereng! dybkdad! Rockazb!

pedereng(50): wart thats the first thing youve said in several days that I have laughed at

mazeta(1): Hi,what is that P next to my rating?

logis(SR)(1): provisional

WarthogsUNLTD(50): And the other half has no idea who you are.

RussianBear(2): oldpstat god satan, rather

VMSguy(50): now that is funny

botchvinik(1): oops

botchvinik(1): ya screwed that joke up

Notification: pedereng has departed.

Sqreater - WarthogsUNLTD,
shouts and channel 50, September 17, 2004, ca. 5:21 a.m. PDT:

--> TheTactician: how many chess pieces can you fit on a full board?

--> Sqreater Non, I've eaten all the squares.

Sqreater(50): !BCS->(scream)

--> WarthogsUNLTD: Actually, I heard Sqreater once ruined one of George W. Bush's speeches. ...

krell(50): moof woof poof!

Notification: EnPassant has arrived.

krell(50): is sux a linux comand?

Sqreater(50): Confusedius say: "Man with one ding, dong, not ring woman's bell."!BCS->(wind bell)

--> TheTactician: three wise men were discussing chess moves. the first said, "it is the piece that is moved." the second one, a little wiser said, "no, it is the position that moves." the third man and the wisest said, "no, it is your mind that moves."

--> WarthogsUNLTD: Bush meant to say he stood foursquare behind the Iraqi people, then noticed that Sqreater had devoured two of his squares, so he ad-libbed, "I am two squares behind the Iraqi people. And there America will remain."

--> Kamamura laughs

Notification: Sqreater has departed and isn't on your notify list.

"The Play": Playlight, WarthogsUNLTD (various roles), decius, Sqreater,
shouts, March 30, 2005, ca. 3:30 a.m. PST:

--> Playlight needs coffee

--> BabasChess(TD) Babas-Salutes Bracco =;

WarthogsUNLTD(50): Samantha, working on some art in Photoshop yesterday: "I didn't use a lighting effect per se; it was actually a color overlay."

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-barista: Here you go, Playlight. One low-fat double mocha grande with whipped cream. That'll be ... let's see here .... Ah, yes. Half your monthly income should do nicely.

--> MAd> (ics-auto-salutes 'pitfall)

WarthogsUNLTD(50): (For those who aren't yet familiar with the name, Samantha is my four-year-old daughter. You can see some of her art at http://www.squort.com/ladybug.php .)

Sqreater(50): You know PHP?

TeamChess c-shouts: Team 45 45 now has our own channel. Please add chan 101 to your list and look for game announcements results and so forth.

WarthogsUNLTD(50): Only enough to use include files.

Playlight shouts: Would that be half what I get, or half what I deserve

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-barista: Whichever is greater. And please expedite this, sir. There are people in line.

pgv(50): you might find more PHP experts in ch. 88

Notification: pgv has departed.

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-barista: Sir. You need to pay your bill. Now. Or I'm going to have to call in my manager.

--> Playlight pay's $2 and sits in the coffeecorner to enjoy his drink

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-manager: What seems to be the problem here, sir?

comonova(24): partner!!

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-barista: He won't pay his bill. Look at this! He had thenerve to hand me $2. And we don't even accept dollars, do we?

comonova(24): opps!!

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-manager: Euros only, sir. Very clearly posted over the counter. Now I'll ask you to leave the cafe.

Vulnus(24): partner

--> Playlight hands the manager 1.5 euro

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-manager: Are you still sitting there? That does it. Barista! Call security.

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-manager: 1.5 Euro! Pshaw! It is an insult, I tell you!

--> Playlight thinks 1.5 euro is enough for this cup of water with a lack of taste

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-gendarme: Move along, folks. Nothing to see here. Now, what seems to be the trouble here?

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-manager: And now he dares complain about lack of taste?!

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-gendarme: That's all right, Jacques. I have this in hand.

--> Playlight states : this coffee as they call it, tastes like washwater

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-gendarme: Come along with me, sir. [Escorts Playlight from the FICS cafe.]

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-manager: And stay out!

--> Playlight wants his $2 back

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-gendarme: What's that you say, sir? Perhaps we should discuss this ... downtown.

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-gendarme: Duck your head, sir ... just so. [Places Playlight in backseat of squad car.]

--> Playlight gets a free ride to his hotel?

--> Playlight asks the gedarme to drop him off at the Rits

knochenmuehle(24): partner

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-manager: Our sincere apologies for the disturbance, mes amis. We will see no more of that rogue, I can assure you. [Winks.]

--> Sqreater Welcome to the hotel incarceration.

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-coroner: *Another* prisoner mysteriously dead on his way to headquarters, Pierre? This does not look good, in light of all the others. Oh, all right. Bring him in. [Hangs up with a sigh.]

pamir(24): partner

Playlight shouts: - at he gates of heaven : This was my last trip to France

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-coroner: What's that you say, Pierre? Ah. *Two* dead prisoners. Ah, yes. A contumacious Finn from Italy? Of course ... quite understandable.

knochenmuehle(24): relaxed partner pls

--> WarthogsUNLTD-St-Peter: You've got that right!

**ANNOUNCEMENT** from MAd: FICS is relaying round 10 of the Amber tourney, to watch Vallejo - Leko, Ivanchuk - Morozevich, and Shirov - Bareev observe games 86, 10, and 96 respectively

Playlight shouts: I'm not from Italy

--> WarthogsUNLTD-St-Peter: And as for you, Mr. ... Playlight. No admission. Heaven is full this week and booked solid for the next ... good grief ... nine million years.

--> Playlight seeks a warmer place

--> WarthogsUNLTD-Satan: That's all right. Always plenty of room at *this* inn.

--> Playlight hopes the service is better in hell then in France

knochenmuehle(24): opps

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-coroner: Ah, yes. About that Finn, M. Prefect. A known subversive. Wanted in zero point eight countries for allegations of character assassination. Quite so: a real piece of work. Yes, yes. I fully agree; better off dead.

--> WarthogsUNLTD-Satan: Okay, break's over! [Cacchinating laughter ensues.]

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-Playwright: Players! Take a bow.

--> Playlight bows

decius tells you: I was , of course, just kidding

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-gendarme: Ah, Monsieur Playlight ... no ... Play*wright*. You will please accompany me ... downtown.

--> WarthogsUNLTD-the-Playwright: Aiee! [Runs for the fire exit.]

knochenmuehle(24): opps

schumi shouts: devo andare a mangiare

--> decius pelts the stage with various vegetables

--> MAd> (ics-auto-salutes 'Fudpucker)

pamir(24): opps

--> Playlight likes fruits

--> WarthogsUNLTD awaits the arrival of pedereng.

--> Playlight unbows

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